Becoming who I’ve always been.

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I have always said that your mind is your control centre, There is who you are and who you’ve always been. I have always gone drinking 3-5 times a week smoking 20-40 cigarettes a day while sleeping 14 hours and not doing much with my life.

When I moved to the UK, I started discovering who I have always really been, I have always cared about my health but never done anything about it, had a dream but never pursued it, on August 22nd 2014 I had to make the hardest decision about moving here to further my life. I always called it my choice between my future and my happiness as my past in UK is filled with traumatic experiences and heartbreak.

I would plan to wake up early and run or just be awake early but waking me up before noon seemed impossible, I was a hopeless case, I had the passion, I had all the support anyone could have asked for but my mind wasn’t in a good place, I wasn’t happy with who i was yet i was too lazy to change. On the 30th of December 2014 I suffered such a painful heartbreak, I lost who I was and who I had been, I felt like a no body, like I was nothing, unworthy of love or trust – I was broken down to absolutely nothing. Unlike most people who return to how they were, i took the opportunity to rebuild myself, to follow my heart and try be who I’ve always wanted to be.11872153_10208122293794155_5975275931717236307_o

On the 26th of March 2015 (while having a cigarette) I chose that giving up my disgusting habit of smoking was a small but effective step, later that day I gave mum my tobacco, rizla and filters – Promising myself a healthier future all i could do was try to break the bond i had created with nicotine. The first week was hard but the second was probably when I missed it most because of boredom, recurring emotional stress and purely because I used to run to cigarettes for every problem, whether it was to distress my mind or just have a few minutes to have my imagination see beautiful things. The third week after I stopped smoking I was on a plane to Harare to see my family ( I’ve been travelling back every 3 months because of dads work breaks) and the Addis Ababa airport (biggest African airport) was nothing but a test of my strength, the smoking rooms are roughly ten metres apart and passengers don’t stay inside the smoking room so the airport is thick with smoke.

I returned to the UK on the 3rd of June 2015, unpacked my bags, put my clothes in to wash and rushed off into town to meet Tarryn because we were going to the beach the very next day (The first trip with the three of us girls) and we were all so excited yet I was so terribly sick with flu.

5:30am the house came alive, lights turned on, coffee was made and then I was woken up. I couldn’t breathe because of how tight my chest was ( I get sick and get chest infections), my nose was blocked and wouldn’t improve anytime soon and my throat was unbearable, I have never felt a pain like that in my life – It felt as if my throat had been slit open and i was bleeding out, every time I was to breathe or swallow something (Even water) it was razor blades instead but i got dressed, took some meds and after a few arguments and a couple of cups of coffee we left.
11845104_10208122292354119_8233478783904684415_oThe first stop we made was two and a half hours and 112 miles in to the drive and as usual we were more than happy to have some coffee and get some snacks for the road. We decided to use a self-service costa coffee machine which they allowed me the satisfaction of playing with, as usual, I broke it. After a delightful chat with the shop assistant we came to a decision that it wasn’t my fault and we ran to the car and drove away as quickly as we could.

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At 13:45 after being in the car for 279 miles we reached the town of Cornwall and easily found our Bed and Breakfast which was situated 35 metres away from the beach which had a lovely cafe called ‘Gylly Beach Cafe’.11895195_10208122349435546_1140086255070072219_o

Over this five-day holiday we tried new foods, went to about nine different beaches, saw friends we hadn’t seen in ages and hired out a boat 11891869_10208122330875082_412901379531622720_oon one occasion but most excitedly we decided to do a walk on a part of the Coastal Path. The walk we were told was a short 3 hours hike through beautiful views, exceptional cliffs and waters and its an enjoyable bonding exercise. on our last day we went for this walk – five hours later we had walked 16.8kms and witnessed some of the most beautiful sights I’ve seen, we met this inspirational couple who were in their 60’s or 70’s and had walked 90% of the coastal path covering 460 miles by walking for a week straight once a year every year (my kind of goals).

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We arrived home and life returned to normal, Tarryn went back to work, mum went back to work and I was sitting home doing nothing with my life yet again. I spoke to myself one day and to say the least, reality hit me, I’m so young yet to society my life was already over. I had become the type of person I hated and I starting hating myself because of it.

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Over the past two months my life has completely changed. I decided to change my mindset and therefore change my life. I’m more energetic and I’m healthier. I’m studying harder than ever before and I’m discovering hobbies within myself, It took a lot but I’ve had to reintroduce myself to not only all my family and friends but to myself

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Some of the coastal path below :

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