Recently I went back to Zimbabwe for a short 3 week holiday. I somehow found myself in a downward spiral through my old bad habits. It had taken me 2 months to get fitter, eat cleaner and start seeing an improvement but in the moment I didn’t think of the future, of the impact what I was doing would have on my mind and body.
On March 26th 2015 I gave up smoking but I found myself smoking again, it started off silly and small, one here and one there but eventually it grew into a full-blown addiction. I fell into a trap for the second time and I felt stupid for being so blind to my own temptations. I ate everything I wanted and I didn’t run or do any form of exercise, I was lost again and I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to save myself and continue this journey.
On my return to the UK I was sure I would stop smoking and I would eat well, run again and somehow everything would be okay and return to how it was but the world isn’t so friendly. I sat and did nothing, I ate terribly, I woke up at noon, I smoked day after day. It was as if my worst nightmare was now my reality and I wasn’t strong enough to wake up. I knew what had to be done, I knew how to get where I wanted to be – It was doing it that seemed difficult.
On Saturday the 10th of October while staying with a friend in Milton Keynes it somehow got to me, I hit rock bottom and suddenly I was an emotional wreck as if I had been told I had a week to live. I went to her, blubbering about how useless I am, how I cant do it and how ashamed I am of myself, of what I had become again. When I became hopeful and I became this ‘new me’ I kept saying “I liked who I was, my old life” and my wish was granted, I was back where I had started.
Tara and I spoke for maybe an hour or two, many tears were shed and a few cigarettes had, we came to a conclusion that my heart craves routine but I was so nervous that maybe I wouldn’t be able to go back, maybe I just couldn’t be that person. I went to bed on Sunday the 11th and I set an alarm to hopefully go for a run again, “Maybe I can be me again, not this monster” I said to Tara as I started to dislike who I was. On Monday morning I had woken up, gone for a run and I had started to make my green tea, fairly pleased I continued with my day but I was doubting my ability to do it the next morning. I had just gotten a job that kept me busy, on my feet for six hours straight from 11:15 to 5:15 and I was exhausted when I got home so I was twice as negative about the next mornings run.
I started to slowly shape my routine back to what it was, I was waking up before the sunrise to run, I was studying, going to work and I had given up smoking on that Sunday the 11th. My fitness is still no where close to where it was, my legs are constantly in pain, I’m always tired but I’m happy because one step at a time, my life is slowly evolving to what I had gotten it to. I wake up at the same time every day, I go to work and I study around my shifts, I can feel my mind changing and I can feel the positivity and self-belief starting to improve.
Personally, I believe that the routine keeps me in check, I believe that having the routine and positivity has made me capable to achieve my dream and put me back on the road to the healthy lifestyle I once lived. My fitness is no where close to where it should be or where it could have been given the determination I once had but slowly its improving. Fighting myself I will shortly be part of a gym to help speed up weight loss and assist the growth of my fitness levels as well as following the healthy life suggested by Slimmingworld. I am one step closer to my end result and I am beyond proud of myself for not only breaking my habit with smoking but my addiction to an unhealthy lifestyle.
I’ve given myself three months to achieve something, to have lost a certain amount, to be fitter and to not lose myself or my faith against all odds in this road to a clean, healthy and happy life I crave.